Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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