My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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