i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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