I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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