i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
barbara walters just said penis...
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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