so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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