he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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