When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
