Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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