I think I won the penis lottery.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
