the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
