i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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