Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
