Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
