now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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