You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just googled if crying burns calories
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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