Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
