My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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