We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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