Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
