This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I look better un-naked...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
