I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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