The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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