Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
