Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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