She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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