Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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