how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
