whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
