girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
