Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
