Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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