What did we do last night that was yellow?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
The air taste purple.
Randomize
