I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
