Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize