Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
