When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I think I just sharted jello shots
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
