Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
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