she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
