So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
