its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
