i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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