I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I need to calm my uterus...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
