I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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