Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
