His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
