Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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