i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
