I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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