I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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