why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
