Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
