I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
