If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
