now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize