Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
