woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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