we have pet lesbian snakes
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
