I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
