I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
