if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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