you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
