dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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